Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope