I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
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My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Pleading insanity in small claims court
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
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I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.