I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction