I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
3% human
97% stress
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
The Onion called it…again.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible