I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
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At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on