Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

😂

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.