Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

How does one answer this?

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

No way!

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

awesome draft from months ago i just found

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.