Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。