I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
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‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
