Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used the label maker

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

I’m having an out of money experience.

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!