I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
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Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
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Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head