I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
awkward
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake