Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”