I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
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Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.