I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
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cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it