I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.