I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
asked my bf how work was today
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”