Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

Don’t make me out nice you.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun