I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
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Best misinterpreted text ever!
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
🤣😂🤣😂
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
This is a whole mood;
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
