I swear if one more person RT’s poetry into my TL I will draw a bath, light some candles, and just get lost in the verse’s haunting imagery.

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Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.


I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.


Satanism is appealing but it’s still having the same imaginary friend as a bunch of other people. I wouldn’t feel special.


Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.


The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.


I used to be the person who preached “no question is a stupid question.”

And then I joined Twitter.