@ibid78

I swear if one more person RT’s poetry into my TL I will draw a bath, light some candles, and just get lost in the verse’s haunting imagery.

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@Mehrwane

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

@FilthyRichmond

I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.

@ozzyunc

Satanism is appealing but it’s still having the same imaginary friend as a bunch of other people. I wouldn’t feel special.

@DearAuntAbby

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

@ShaneKnowsStuff

The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.

@hunbothered

I used to be the person who preached “no question is a stupid question.”

And then I joined Twitter.