Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

About to form my very first opinion

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point