Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

some Old Testament wisdom

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)