Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

The fall of Netflix

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind