Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
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Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
That earthquake could have been an email.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
scrabbled eggs
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.