I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
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My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Happy Star Wars day!
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
