I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
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Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
That’s classic.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
going to the ER y’all need anything
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.