I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’