Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early