Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

SONOFA

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

Is your wife single?

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

you’re damn right i have

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive