[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
You Might Also Like
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
S M O L
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Hard not to take this personally
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run: