Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I know karate and tons of other words.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.