Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.