I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Going to church you guys need anything
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
*has no idea what a book even is*
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“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower