I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop