I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.