Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

🥶🥶🐶🐶

Basketball games are very squeaky.

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us