Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”