I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
You Might Also Like
marvel comics have peaked
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.