I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“