I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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I bet
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
hand it over!
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated