I swear some people should be banned from cooking
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Best mom ever 😂
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.