I swear some people should be banned from cooking
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Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
weird email i got today
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish