I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
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“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
This hospital has everything
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.