Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.