I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the