Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What?!?

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.