Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome