Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

waiting for halloween be like:

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.