I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
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Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.