“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money