“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
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*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*