“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
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When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
lmfao come on
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.