I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
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Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think