Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.