i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
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Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Snapes on a plane.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
