Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Nice try, poison.

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

LMAO.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think