i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
![]()
You Might Also Like
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Received some very disappointing news today
![]()
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
![]()
![]()
![]()
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said