Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Go bears!

(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.