Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

I have two kinds of followers

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.