I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
what my late-night hot pocket sees
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
What about a To-Don’t List?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?