Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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me

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meonstilts

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meandbatmanonstilts

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”