Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.