Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

Priorities

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020