Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

For the baby who has everything

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.