Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.