I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Finally
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.