Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

Pretty much! 😂👀

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

Camel dough

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house